'The Big Book of Being Rude' by Jonathon Green

I recently rediscovered this book in the detritus of my closet.  I had bought it as a gift for someone, can't remember whom and obviously, can't remember when.  So I put it in the best place to peruse this kind of book, the bathroom.  It is an exceptionally long list (7000) of insults covering several centuries, most continents and every type of person or group imaginable; no censorship, no apologies.

Every time I open it at random I have a great laugh.  I am also receiving an education which my mother will argue is redundant, given my own personal history and habits.  Most truly interesting words or phrases I cannot repeat here, but a few, well...  For instance, I just found out that a derogatory term (amongst many) for  psychiatrists is "squirrel", apparently they collect nuts.  That gave something to think about, in the bathroom, if you take my meaning.  Under what circumstances would anyone use this term?

             

                "My mom needs to see a squirrel to relax."

                "The squirrel yawned while I was talking."

                "Will our insurance cover a squirrel? or would she accept walnuts?"

So forth and so on.

Moreover, there are some insults that only sound beautiful in the accent of origin.  Try getting someone to curse if they are true Cockney's or from Edinburg.  Then we have some wonderful retorts and phrases that work if you are from Perth, Australia.  I should mention in passing that the inhabitants of Australia as a group are creative as well as hilarious in their insults.  Context is important for disparaging effectively but accent, turn of phrase and or attitude makes it unforgettable.  Here is an example: how do you sound if you call someone "Blooming six foot of tripe" with a Texas accent instead of English?  The phrase, if you are curious, is a 19th century term for a large policeman, it means "six feet of nonsense".  It does not work with the wrong accent, if you tried it out loud everyone within hearing thinks you are insane, but I bet you are smiling.

I have not yet read every insult in the book as just the section on "bollocks" was overwhelming but I look forward to going to the bathroom these days, if only to try some words out loud in the only place in the house where I can lock the door.

ISBN: 9780304355143

'Dearly Devoted Dexter' by Jeff Lindsay

I thought this series looked a little different from average thrillers and a light read.  It turned out to be a fun book ( and series so far, this is book 2).  It is a real escape in the best sense of the word.  Another person's mind is as far away as an alien planet;  Dexter's is indeed so far gone, phrases like "event horizon" come to mind.  I have never seen the show so I do not know how it translates on to the screen.  In writing, the jokes are as funny as they are macabre.  A serial killer that only kills serial killers is intriguing, the warped humor is a plus.  It is not an especially difficult or deep book.  On the other hand, I like the risk the author took with such an anti hero.

I was surprised to find the book cathartic.  Most mothers and a lot of decent, virtuous people never the less fantasize about busting a ring of criminals and dispensing suitable, occasionally creative amounts of justice.  To live in a moral world governed by consistent laws (we are lucky) and to be moral beings that voluntarily abide by these laws means that we do not blow up or torture drug pushers, pedophiles, etc.  We trust (hope) that we can bring them to justice with our laws and humanist ideals.  Unfortunately, we know that many murderers never get caught.

Ok, so now a book describes a serial killer who has been taught by a moral (but frustrated) policeman to channel his violent, conscience free inner nature and help make this world a better place.  Dexter goes after other serial killers and prides himself on the quality of his work.  The jokes are good because we sympathize with Dexter, which is weird and then see life through his eyes, which is weirder.

People's emotions and therefore motivations are a mystery to Dexter.  It feels to me that Dexter views people the way I view an iPhone; what goes on inside may as well be magic.  People speak volumes with looks and body language.  Dexter can only imitate not understand.  The situations and occasional misunderstandings are great.  Lindsay does a hilarious job of reminding the reader about points of view, degrees of morality, and justice as an abstract concept as opposed to a sharp (and pointy) reality.

ISBN: 9780752877884

'Pride and Prejudice' by Jane Austen

Years before I saw the BBC production of this book, Mrs. Bennett's voice was distinct, clear and annoying in my head.  I was relieved to hear the same voice in the mini series.  Jane Austen had absolutely conveyed a character; her job is so well done that we still enjoy her stories 200 years later.  The book itself is one of my favorites.

At first, of course, Elizabeth had my attention and she often still does.  She embodies the wit, charm and strength of character I wish I had had in combination at her age ("not yet one and twenty").  Moreover she has the most unbelievable patience with her mother.  Talk about embarrassing parents, Mrs. Bennett is the blue print for all the rest of us.  The behavior displayed by Mrs. Bennett (and even occasionally Mr. Bennett) causes Elizabeth and her sister, Jane, material harm... for a time.  Lose tongues and no brains have sadly not remained in the 19th century.

Jane Austen's ability to create unique characters that are familiar and recognizable make her books special and enjoyable even in the age of smart phones.  Human nature has not changed, so what we communicate has not changed, only how.  We all know one of those people who move through life a la Lydia Bennett, selfish and ignorant, who never the less have luck in life (or more luck than we think they deserve).  Nothing happens to make them believe that their behavior will not continue to get them what they want.  Often a husband, father or sister has had to fix, pay or apologize but rarely are the Lydias of this world held personally accountable.  Why though?  Maybe it is our own laziness.  I do not want to have that kind of fight or discussion.  Three different characters speak to Lydia about her thoughtless behavior without causing a moment of hesitation or conscience on her part.  Jane Austen does not get frustrated.  She has a laugh; this is the way of the world, she seems to say, why not laugh about it and get on with your life, like Elizabeth and Jane, things will work out for you as well.

Other characters are equally interesting.  Sir William Lucas is inoffensive and friendly.  The author has a laugh with him as well.  He asks polite questions and receives loaded answers.  There is one in every group.  That one person who is friendly and innocent of whatever the circumstances are, but puts his or her foot in it quite regularly?  This book is full of character studies.  I read Pride and Prejudice about once a year, if not then another of Jane Austen's novels instead. Her books are always fresh because I can focus on other things aside from the obvious story.

The Mrs. Bennetts in my life (yes I have more than one) make me insane when we are in the same room.  Contrary to my ironic instincts, laughing at someone like Mrs. Bennett can be considered cruel.  I was caught laughing once.  Jane Austen must have been quite brave or quite certain that no one ever associates themselves with the irritating, ignorant, selfish, officious or stupid.  You are more likely to sympathize with Hannibal Lecter than think that you are truly the most boring patient your therapist has.  Jane Austen's joke is on us, the readers, who are clearly Elizas and Darcys all.

ISBN: 9781853260001

Embarrassing Parenting

Teenagers are notoriously embarrassed. They will be embarrassed if we are breathing, standing some ten meters from them. And lets be clear on this: They are embarrassed by us, the parents. There are different degrees of embarrassing, according to my son, an expert. What I am trying to point out is that parenting books so very rarely mention this phenomenon. I have read several books on the topic of parenting and raising children. Parents or parents-to-be are given plenty of advice; do’s and don’ts, as well as encouragement. It all boils down to love, patience, attentiveness, consistency, humor and no small amount of courage. Nevertheless, no page said “YOU WILL EMBARRASS YOUR CHILD.”

My husband and I are still happily married, which in this day and age should be a source of pride. We’ve stuck long enough to each other to be parents to teenagers: our teenagers. We are publicly affectionate i.e. we hold hands in public and go out to lunch together because we feel like it. This is profoundly embarrassing for my teenager. No clue why this is and I have asked him. It is ten times worse though if I try to hold his hand instead. At first I ignored him but then I noted some important correlations between the level of embarrassment and the behavior of the teenager, and not just my teenager. 

Acute embarrassment makes them stop communicating and not just at that moment. They do not wish to communicate a difficult topic and absolutely do not want your embarrassing reaction to a difficult topic. Ever asked your child if he or she needs condoms? Some children stop talking to their parents almost completely. Moreover the teenager then has feelings of shame and guilt. Not even a teenager wants to be embarrassed by his parents, especially when he can not explain why to himself, never mind his parents. Then of course, there are degrees of embarrassment. No matter how cool you think you are, the only children that think you are cool are other people’s children, with luck. 

My own memories of embarrassing moments are coupled with shame as I now feel there was no need. On the other hand, my mother asked me quite loudly at my school once if I was ashamed of her, because I kept walking away. That was so embarrassing. I now know asking almost anything out loud is a mistake. As a 20 year old friend, who has a good relationship with her mother, told me ‘sometimes she doesn’t take the hint to just go!’ Timing (as in outstaying a welcome) as well as privacy are important to socially hyper aware teenagers. Sometimes parents tell me that their children should have nothing to hide from them. But that is not the point. Kids just want to talk to kids about ‘you know, stuff’. God knows I have nothing to hide from my kids but I still like some privacy. In fact, some conversations I still do not share with my parents. 

Parenting guides often advice ‘taking an interest’ in your children’s activities. "Keep lines of communication open and listen to your children." But this advice can be taken to an extreme. I know a few parents who actively chose and monitor or organise all their teenager’s activities. Conversations with friends are often joined (because they want to get to know the teenager’s friends) and permission to go out as well as money are tightly controlled. Some of these same teenagers constantly sneak out of the house, take money out of their mother’s wallet and avoid her if they happen to be at the same school or sports event. Some of this behavior may or may not be due to too much parenting but funny enough, their biggest complaint is of being embarrassed by their compulsively interested parents. As an example, I know a mother who joins her sons at a table full of teenagers in spite of vocal pleas from her sons to leave them in peace. 

Permission and money are always topics that cause disagreements, but I do need to know where he is going, with whom and when he thinks he will be back. As for the money, he receives a monthly allowance and has to learn to live with it. Just like the rest of us. With regards to the activities, he can choose a sport or a club he enjoys. I like to know who his friends are but do not force them to talk to me every time I spot them. I must add, with some pride, that I rank quite low on the embarrassing parents scale according to my son’s friends. When I entered a pizza place I greeted my son and friends and then sat clear across the restaurant with my other child. If I desperately need to know if he needs Clearasil, I text him. He answers quickly (as he is checking his phone every two minutes) and it is far less embarrassing than asking.

How can I differentiate between general teenage embarrassment, which is not just towards me but also concerns their own pimples and the state of their hair, from say, embarrassing him by asking in front of his friends if he still needs that Clearasil? My son can not help me on this one. He has assured me that the reason I happen to be embarrassing is that I exist on the same continent. But I am sure I could pull it off across continents as well if I put a bit of effort into it.

The Joy of Reading Cookbooks

I have found myself reading cookbooks for the last two weeks.  Some of the recipes I am considering are new but most are along the lines of my favorite holiday treats.  My cookbooks are international: American, British, Dutch, South American, Italian, Japanese...these are books I look at and cook from regularly.  I also have a folder full of scraps of papers, printouts and notes on backs of envelopes.  This year's menu includes truffled honey, pheasant and a traditional English Christmas cake with a Chilean twist.

Honestly though, I find great pleasure in just reading recipes and letting my foodie imagination run (directly to my expanding waist line).  Sometimes recipes bring back memories the way only tastes and smells do.  Photographs don't capture a moment the way the menu does.  The last few years, my daughter has been in charge of designing and printing the menu for our guests.  I keep a copy for myself; it is one of the few ways I can re-experience, to a certain extent, meals past.  Food, like music is ephemeral, easy to get wrong and nearly impossible to reproduce when perfect.

Books, especially cook books, can build character over time as you experience and develop your own tastes.  Sometimes, I spend more time reminiscing than looking for a recipe.  I love books that tell me a story because I have experienced something akin; the old cliche: "I can relate to it."  But, this preference is by nature limiting. I do not want to experience the horrors of an addiction (regardless of how entertaining the book is) and I cannot experience Middle Earth outside the books.  Cook books, on the other hand, are by definition manuals of a most personal kind.  These adventures are meant to be experienced, savored and shared.  As your own character grows and, I hope, your palate, cook books offer not only nourishment but love, adventure, risk (ever made an hollandaise?), sex, laughter and even tragedy (when the soufflé drops).  Moreover, these manuals engage so many senses even if only in your imagination.  A risotto prepared with champagne and truffles is from the moment you scan the ingredients already a promise of a life lived without limits; the moment you taste it, a promise fulfilled and in your own home.

I have received cook books as gifts and bought my own.  I enjoy them like I do Murakami.  I read them from beginning to end fascinated with the imagination and magic available to us mortals.  Cook books can bring back to life your grandmother and her wonderful soups.  And if your childhood was not so blessed, cook books are the manuals to a blessed future.

Paradise is not only peace and pleasant harps in the background but smells and textures too.  Ever had lamb in a rose petal curry?  Cook books are the manuals to heaven on Earth, provided, of course, you cook with love. 

'The New Science of the Teenage Brain' by David Dobbs - National Geographic, October 2011

What can I say?  My first reaction was uncharitable.  'They found a teenage brain!....Perhaps they are all sharing it?'  Obviously, after some thought and deep probing I will admit that at least the teenagers I regularly come into contact with can be intelligent, often in creative ways. When asked whose turn it is to empty the dishwasher, my children spend more time actively defending (or creating) their answers than it would take to empty the dishwasher; the same goes for clothing choice, exam results, homework, music practice or even taking a shower.  On the other hand, they are unable to take a matching pair of socks out of a dryer that contains only whites.

Done venting, back to the article...

In essence, the teenage brain is indeed half baked like parents have always suspected.  This results in lower fear and greater emphasis on pleasure versus pain and\or deferment.  Teenagers can assess risk and calculate weight, velocity and braking (reaction) time just like a grown up when tested alone.  Pleasure, such as impressing friends, however trumps caution.  The pleasure or kudos of driving fast to impress a car full of friends outweighs the risk of redecorating the highway with car and body parts.  This same disregard for real risk (as we calculate it) makes it possible for them to take the risk to leave the nest and explore the world.  So in terms of survival of the species they are ready to go out, conquer and procreate without noting the consequences.

Teenagers are growing new wiring within their brains.  This is like an internal version of the teenage body, growing quickly but unevenly.  The same body that swishes a three pointer will stub its toe on a door frame.  Some things like common sense have to catch up the same way teenage bodies catch up with their shoe size.  Teenagers are also mentally more flexible, perhaps a bit too much so .  Adolescents and their brains  will try new things like technology, the exploration of the next valley over or eating something new and interesting. Unfortunately all this flexibility is sometimes fatal.  Consistency and judgement come with maturity and experience.

It is comforting to know that my children's erratic, occasionally dangerous and absolutely  irritating behavior has a neurological cause shared with other teenagers and that it probably serves some purpose in the long tail of human history (or so some scientists assure readers and writers of National Geographic).  But as a mother in the here and now I have to agree with my parenting guru, Jean Kerr, who said, 'I never wanted to know what that noise was, I just wanted it to STOP.

Teenage brains

'Please Don't Eat the Daisies' by Jean Kerr

This is one of the books that kept me sane when my children were young. I constantly reread it, even now. The book, published in 1958, is a collection of essays Jean Kerr wrote and published in several magazines over a two year period. The essays discuss her opinions, observations and adventures as a working mother of four, she would eventually have six, children. Jean was a playwright. Her hilarious essays include topics such as career choices, decorating, house hunting, marriage, rearing young children and even how to handle a hospital stay.

She puts in perspective the challenges of the everyday, like disciplining children, keeping your sanity, handling big, friendly dogs and work wise, how to pick and hire a producer (tip: never more than two at a time.) She makes me laugh because I can relate. There is no such a thing as writing in peace when you are a mother, and in former times, if you were a woman.

A while back, I pointed out that the 1950's were a hypocritical time in American history. Freedom and equality came with the caveats of white, heterosexual, protestant male. Nevertheless, Jean Kerr wrote funny irreverent essays and plays. She wrote without a sign of guilt or complaint about her life as a working mom. She was funny because she wrote with wit and intelligence. She made jokes. Ever notice that 'women with a sense of humor' are women who laugh at jokes. She did not live a 'bohemian' life with multiple lovers. She did what she enjoyed. She was absolutely a participant of her social world yet confident and charming enough to laugh at it.

Jean Kerr is rarely remembered today. She may well be forgotten because she was so funny and intelligent and a mother of six, and a loyal wife of a famous New York theatre critic. How about that? A woman who did not 'try to have it all.' She set herself a goal and went to work to achieve it. Her goal, so she states even in poetry, was to linger in bed in the morning, with a proper excuse of course (apparently parties didn't count back then either). Historians do not like people who may have been happy in life.

A movie with Doris Day and David Niven was based on the book. True to form, all the bits about Jean's success outside the home were taken out. They also took her biting, observant humor. Doris Day was cute and sweet. No doubt so was Jean Kerr but that is not all she was. I wish an optimistic woman would remake the movie properly. Jean Kerr is an example we could all use in our hectic lives. Besides, I love to lay in bed in the morning. It is a small accomplishment and I refuse to feel guilty about any accomplishment.

And as for the daisies? She forgot to tell her boys NOT to eat the daisies before guests arrived. She felt she was not creative enough to foresee this situation. She'd only mentioned not using the guest bathroom, or leaving their bicycles on the porch.....From then on she told them, of course.

In that spirit, I would like to find a job that is flexible, challenging and lets me keep my sense of humor. Any suggestions?

ISBN: 9780005712467

'Something Wicked This Way Comes' by Ray Bradbury

Ray Bradbury, in spite of his fame, is someone I discovered only recently.  About two years ago, I picked up 'Dandelion Wine' at Hatchard's in London.  I read it as an antidote to the long Winter.  It is a novel full of light, adventure and mystery, like every childhood Summer should be...perhaps.  His use of language is magical.  I can open his book at random and find sentences that give me shivers and set my imagination free.

And so I saw a book titled, 'Something Wicked This Way Comes' while browsing shelves at Hatchard's again (yes, I lead a wonderful life).  I picked it up and hoped it was the book a childhood movie is based on.  The cover was proof enough , as it shows a dark man with a top hat.  Then, to my delight, I saw the author: Ray Bradbury.

Once again my imagination sees impossible pictures brought on by the same language I use every day.  The difference is that I can paint a wall, he creates art.  The paragraph that describes Mr. Cooger going around the carrousel and getting younger is as wonderful as any in the book and yet terrifying.  It reminded me of Poe. Bradbury's words are beautifully chosen. The rhythm of his sentences make me smile each time I open his book.

I often suspect that some people I know are innately bad and some people are angels in my life.  This book reminds me that we make that choice, the choice for good or evil or to do nothing.  These choices happen not just in youth when girls become women, but every day.  Old men, mothers and lightning rod salesmen chose from moment to moment between good and evil . I chose to listen to the troubles of a friend and I chose to rejoice for the good luck of someone else.  Alternative behavior could include selfishness, indifference or envy.  The act of choosing makes us good or evil.  You do not necessarily have to act on your thoughts, the thoughts themselves are enough.  Bradbury plays with this fear of your own thoughts and desires.  All the times you internally tell yourself you are too old to do bungee jumping, or too long married to show up with roses, you are committing an act of evil by limiting yourself and killing your own dreams or romance.  The carnival he describes feeds on these small deaths and fears of every day life.  Small, petty, unkind thoughts, desires to be young or to be older for example, are equally tasty.  I never did like carnivals anyway, what a relief I am not alone.

I could continue writing in admiration and awe, but I doubt Bradbury needs it.  I am so overwhelmed by his creative, magical use of language that as I read my own words I am more and more embarrassed.

ISBN: 9780575083066

'Snuff' by Terry Pratchett

Years and years ago, a friend gave me 'Small Gods'. She told me she couldn't read more than one Discworld novel a year because Pratchett warped the way she saw the world. She said "you'll like him".  I tried reading it, but could not finish it. I didn't get the joke.  I thought small mindedness, religious intolerance and violence were all too real. I read him as a sad and accurate reflection of our world.  A year or two later I picked up the book again. I had gained a family and was making serious choices of my own, for good or bad. The book was hilarious. Pratchett is about choices, responsibility, accountability and knowing yourself. His story telling, though, make these topics palatable. I had to make decisions in society about myself and my family to see the fun, freedom and yes, fear in taking those grown up steps . Humor is so often associated with laughing at what frightens you. I buy every Pratchett book I can find in different cities and countries.  I even have 'The Unadulterated Cat' in my bathroom.


Now back to 'Snuff'.

As usual, Pratchett brings back characters. My favorite part is to discover how his characters have developed and learned from past mistakes or adventures. Other series make money by giving readers more of the same. To an intelligent reader, book 3 often feels like book 1 in a different setting. Pratchett, on the other hand, lets his characters grow, sometimes in surprising ways. Moreover, he manages to stay true to a characters' fundamental traits. So Rincewind remains a coward no matter how many times he survives. Commander Vimes, the protagonist of 'Snuff', remains a good man in desperate need of a drink.  He seems to live in a world surrounded by bad men, probably on account of being a policeman.  Commander Vimes usually focuses (obsesses) on crime and justice (which is different from punishment).  He treats murder as murder; there are no political euphemisms depending on the victim or status of the suspect.  A goblin girl is as important as an ambassador.  But, and yes we need a 'but' or there wouldn't be a book, what if your own society did not view this murder as a murder, anymore than people view euthanizing a stray dog as murder?  What if dogs found you and demanded justice?

This is where Pratchett excels.  He gives the little ones in society a voice and a champion.  But, he makes us laugh in the process of finding justice.  This laughter is important because most of us fall in the category of those who look away, stay quiet, or comment that talking dogs are still dogs, not humans.  He wants us to look at ourselves and our motives, but not all at once, just in case we shut the book in fear.  Laughter helps.  Mark Twain and Kurt Vonnegut wrote satire which is filed under fiction; just because Pratchett uses trolls, dwarfs and goblins instead of blacks, the poor and women, his work is labeled fantasy at your local book store.  Our society has become expert at looking away and escaping into fantasy of many sorts.  Pratchett is a genius; he writes satire and lets us label it fantasy so we'll read it and look in the mirror.  With any luck we get the joke.

@terryandrob
Terry Pratchett 
ISBN: 9780385619264

'A Beautiful Mind' by Sylvia Nasar

To bring to life, in writing, a man and his life, as in this excellent biography, is difficult.  To also bring to life his passion and genius for mathematics is art.  The book puts into context the society, academic status and madness of John Nash Jr.  As I read this book and reflected on the paranoid, homophobic, academically conservative world he walked in, I wondered why there were not more insane men from the McCarthy era.

Freedom feels like a real myth; something that probably did not exist, except as an ideal.  When I read about the paranoia and prejudices of the 1950s and I look at our world today with in addition its loss of freedom in exchange for security, nothing much seems to have changed.

John Nash Jr. craved freedom in every way.  His story highlights how his lovers (male and female), partners and colleagues also wanted freedom to love, to work, to succeed and to be proud.  A fundamental difference, of course, is that his illness exaggerated some of these traits and desires.  There is nothing insane about wanting freedom.  It was a repressive environment and political influence that branded such desires from men and women as insanity.  Schizophrenia makes one hypersensitive.  Nash's friends and relations constantly reminded themselves and John of his sanity, for were not them all also a little insane? They reminded him of his accomplishments, his friendships, his loves and his magnificent, creative intellect.

Princeton university as well as Dr. Nash's friends and admirers in the mathematics community showed him kindness and faith.  They gave him as many opportunities as he needed to overcome his illness and help himself get better.  The women in his life, though, are even more extraordinary.  Alicia and Meredith deserve biographies of their own.  They showed resilience and strength.  These educated women, an engineer and a nurse respectively, suffered the stigma of being single mothers and the stigma of being women who wanted to work.  It was heartrending and humiliating to read at times.  Alicia helped Nash come out of his illness; she provided protection and support even after their divorce.  Meredith, alone and unmarried, raised a lovely child.

Beautiful book, beautiful story... No wonder it was made into a movie.  Could the ending be any more 'Hollywood'?  A work of fiction could not have sustained such an ending.  Thank God life is still stranger than fiction.

ISBN: 9780571212927